Well. after that brief intermission and about a two or three month break I am back to poor my thoughts and dreams into this poor excuse for a blog. I am overly tired after having a marathon reading of a book called The Bermudez Triangle. More on that later, but a warning that this post might be a bit disconnected and strange. You have been warned.
Life is pretty good, or at least it seems that way right now. But I can't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. My life has been moving in a decent direction for a long time now and I am just not sure if I can continue this pace. Sort of like a train that is running all out and suddenly the tracks are gone and in their place there is a wall.
I am trying to decide if this somehow relates to school and my job. I will (hopefully) graduate with my Bachelor's degree after the spring semester. But what do I do next? Do I go on to grad school? Do I try to find a job in the field? Do I try to extend my current part time teaching job into something more full time? After finishing my AAS, I knew I had to get a BS but now the choice is less clear to me. And frankly some of the effects scare me. Am I smart enough to attempt to work towards a PhD? Do I have what it takes? I realize that this is all part of being an adult but it still scares me a bit.
I also miss having time to do things that are not job or school related. I have never had a huge group of friends (like less than 10) but the group just seems to get smaller and smaller over the years as we all move into our various lives. I have my daughter who I love more than anything else in my life. Some friends have moved away, others have gone off for second shots at college. Again, all part of life I know, but it still feels lonely. The few friends I have left in the area where I live almost all live together. I feel more apart from the group than I ever did before.
Maybe I am just being all boo hoo about having to make a decision about what I want to do in life and this feeling is just ... fear of making a big decision. I haven't really every considered anything this much. I just sort of think about things a bit, analyze all of the outcomes, and pick one path. I did that with Ivy Tech, I did that with IUSB, and other parts of my life. But I feel very unsure at this point in my life.
The real crux of the matter is that this is not me. I don't worry about things like this. I don't fret about decisions and fear making a choice. And I think that is what scares me most. I can't just make a decision about this and move on. And that leaves a huge amount of uncertainty in my life which I think makes me feel like I have my own personal spectre only just a few steps behind me ...
Well, writing this blog didn't particularly help me sort anything out but it did make me tired enough to go to sleep. I will try to post more, it might help me think everything through.
Nite all,
~Syffin
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